So…Fox News & Candace Owens Are Big Mad Minnie Mouse & M&Ms Aren’t Sexy Anymore

Ouverture d'Euro Disney (Disneyland Paris)

Source: David Nivière / Getty

So…

I’m not normally the type of person to kink shame, but we really need to talk about these weird-a** fetishes that seem to be running rampant on Fox News and in the warped world of right-wingers in general.

Why do Fox News pundits and their guests have their star-spangled Klanny-panties all in a bunch over new Minnie Mouse and M&M cartoon design changes?

On Wednesday, Fox host Jesse Watters brought on sunken place lost and found mascot Candice Owens to talk about what she appears to think is an important issueDisney putting Minnie Mouse in a blue and black polka dot pantsuit instead of her classic red and white polka dot skirt.

“This is why people don’t take these people seriously,” Owens griped. “They’re taking all these things that nobody was offended by until they have to get rid of them and destroy them because they’re bored.”

“They’re trying to destroy the fabric of our society,” she continued.

So, I think we all understand what’s going on here, right?

Candace Owens wants to start a Minnie Mouse OnlyFans because she’s tapped into the spank bank market of conservative men who want female cartoon animals sitting on their faces—which would work out much better if they’re wearing skirts instead of pantsuits.

Anyway, what Owens—who appears to be wearing some kind of suit while complaining about Minnie wearing some kind of suit—doesn’t realize is that she, well, doesn’t know WTF she’s talking about. Even if she was addressing a real issue, which she’s not, literally no one has complained about how Minnie Mouse dresses. Nobody. Not a single body. Beyond that, Minnie’s snazzy new threads are not even meant to be a permanent change to the character’s design.

As Newsweek reported: “The dress was created by fashion designer Stella McCartney to mark Disneyland Paris’ 30th anniversary. The redesign is intended to be worn only in March, by those in a Minnie Mouse costume performing at the theme park.” So while Owens is worried about “the fabric of our society” in America, the pantsuit is actually related to a Disneyland that isn’t in America at all. It’s almost as if someone needs to get the hell over herself and stop being offended over nothing.

Owens also mentioned the M&Ms non-troversy that Fox host Tucker Carlson lamented on his show recently.

That’s right, folks, Carson recently got deep in his feelings over the brown M&M cartoon being “less sexy” because she’s recently been depicted wearing low heels and tennis shoes instead of high stilettos.

Carlson might as well just go ahead and admit he wants to f*** an M&M. Just go ahead and say you want them melting in your mouth, your hand and various other surfaces and orifices the candy treat was not necessarily intended for. I’m sure somewhere in Victoria’s Secret’s vast catalog is lingerie made to fit a human-size circular candy shell body. (I’m guessing he likes his M&Ms thick too, he’s just worried about developing a peanut allergy.)

Just saying, this is a weird fetish, guys. Just really weird.

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